Monday, 18 September 2017

Step By Step

https://nz.pinterest.com/pin/509399407835302469/

When life fell apart and depression took its grip I lost the feeling of achieving things even when I did keep pushing forward nothing ever felt like it was enough and even when I wrote little accomplishments down they still often didn't feel like enough. I was harsh on myself at a lot of points until it got to points where I felt so numb yet in so much pain that I just couldn't care and I just didn't have anything in me anymore along with my other mental illnesses wrapping around my mind even tighter and feeling like I was incapable of change and moving forward. Being so harsh on myself and feeling like I couldn't stop myself from doing so hurt me more and helped to keep me in the dark and drowning. 

Over the last few years I turned down the idea of going back to study as the idea lots of course work and assignments was daunting as it can mean more stress and for me that can mean more triggers for my mental health especially in a time when it's already really triggered off. I felt like anything too much was going to crumble me into a tiny million pieces yet where I was in my life was too incredibly triggering and not working for me... in a moment of I can't keep doing this and I'm getting no where I decided to try and reminded myself to take it one step at a time.

It's still early days but so far it's been good and with having self directed course work and assignments I've started setting little but achievable goals such as doing a 1/3 of a study work book one day or answering a few questions to an assignment another day, breaking it all down into comprehensible pieces making it all not feel so overwhelming, slowly chipping away at what needs to be done which actually ends up getting it done pretty quick without ruining myself in the process, letting it be enough and getting back to having a sense of accomplishment, being kind to myself, learning lots of fascinating things and making me feel it's possible once again to come back up out of the dark.

Sometimes you need tiny little goals that you know for sure are manageable and achievable, it doesn't matter how small as long as it works for you and your well-being at the time- down the line you may find making those goals bigger an important and exciting step to make. Though please let those small goals be enough for the times they need to be because they can help be a light out of whole lot of darkness and help you not to drown so much.

With hope and love
Rainbow :) xoxo

Friday, 15 September 2017

August Favourites!

https://www.facebook.com/butchartgardens/photos/pcb.10154949640981295/10154949836476295/?type=3&theater
With hope and love
Rainbow :) xoxo

Monday, 11 September 2017

Moonlight

https://nz.pinterest.com/pin/569212840393816414/

Tonight is the night we pick up all this pain up off the floor and keep moving forward, strengthening this fight to make the world better than before cause we say no fucking way to another one dead and gone. Fed to the demon darkness of galaxies beyond, so we shed tears and light upon the years helping others to beware that somebody cares and shattering fears just by being there while reminding that it is all going to be alright in the long sight along with informing those that don't actually know and by doing so creating a glow of hope above all else helping us all to cope, forming love, birthing doves and guiding us through the paths that we once roamed incredibly alone.

With hope and love
Rainbow :) xoxo

Monday, 4 September 2017

You Are Not Wrong For Being Who YOU Are...

https://nz.pinterest.com/pin/462393086714497880/

One of the big reasons I took my blogging break was earlier this year the final straw in a long line of broken straws came to ahead in the job I was deeply unhappy in and was desperately trying to move on from... which wasn't happening for me either. The absolutely final straw was being given the heads up that in the near future the company was going to be changing their policy to no colourful hair.

Needless to say it hurt and it left me in what felt like an even worse position that I was put in prior to this happening which also wasn't a good position to be in. With that I handed in my resignation and had no job. This all triggered off my mental health issues even more and for many reasons.

It can be so easy to internalise such things when you get put into a situation like this and shame, blame and hurt yourself over it... and I did. It all got a bit much and I felt like I again was being punished for being who I was, that there was something wrong with me, that I was not good enough and worthless and why couldn't I just be myself and be accepted. I turned it inward.

Though in saying this I also internally knew this was and is about equality and discrimination which also hurt on so many levels. It wasn't and isn't just about me but how we as a society hurt people by having and creating cultures that aren't equal with making certain groups inferior and superior, that shames people for who they are and devalues diversity which all ultimately hurts/destroys people and contributes to mental illness. That is all not ok, it's fucked up and we need to continue to work and fight to unfuck it. It might of been just one company... though I have also come up against this at times in job interviews however it starts with one company, with one person to embrace equality, diversity and acceptance. I'm incredibly grateful in every way for those out there that are about the equality, diversity and acceptance life, it's essential for it to be the "norm".

If you experience or come up against anything like this you are not alone, keep fighting warriors, keep fighting for change and equality on all levels and most of all keep being yourselves... trust me darlings you are not wrong for being who you are.

With hope and love
Rainbow :) xoxo